Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Mixed Messages for a Screwed Up Generation

Mixed Messages for a Screwed-Up Generation

The baby boomers had no shot from the get go.
Talk about mixed messages. Post war kids were the spoiled generation that inherited parents seeking to ensure them a better and easier existence than their fortunes had allowed.
The Grimm Fairy Tales sought to frighten us. Our parents sought to protect us and the media sought to paint a rose-colored picture of post-war life in America.
Ozzie and Harriet, Donna Reed and Father Knows Best created a paradigm that endured, Cinderella created a female fantasy that all girls dreamed of and few men were capable of delivering.
Boy, did we get hosed.
The lessons of the boob tube came through loud and clear each week into our rose-covered cottages. We were shown that all problems can be solved in half an hour, all families get along, support one an other and find a way out of the most difficult situations into a happy ending.
By the time we discovered this was not the case, our values were set and our destinies sealed.
We learned too late that wishing is for fairy tales, Cinderella stopped short of providing information about what happened after the wedding and family dysfunction is often the norm.
Of all the harmful lies disseminated through post war television, the worst of these was the notion that all problems are easily solved.
Sometimes people struggle for years until a solution arises, at times one never does.
We were taught to battle adversity in lieu of accepting a failed effort and moving on. Thus, we all wasted years that might have been better served facing reality.
It is not yet known whether a Jersey Shore mentality in lieu of a Mickey Mouse Club one, will serve our children and grandchildren any better.
Perhaps a generous dose of reality isn't such a bad thing.
However, there is always a danger that an overdose might very well be as destructive as none.
My mother didn't cook oatmeal in pearls and high heels. My father didn't wear a sweater and sit around the house all day, my problems were not solved within a half hour time span by input from my younger or older siblings.
I was in for a rude awakening, as were all baby boomers.
I watched Rin Tin Tin the other day.
Even as a child I realized a German Shepherd, yes even "Yo Rinty" himself, wasn't going to save me any more than that beautiful collie who rescued Timmy each week.
I wonder now had our generation been less spoiled, less naive and more acquainted with reality, would the world now be a more solution driven planet instead of the emotionally out of control place it is now?
Should television have come with a warning sign to beware of false promises and illusions?
Had we been more able to make good decisions younger and sooner would our lives have progressed more smoothly and with less disappointment?
I imagine we'll never know.
Perhaps that is the reason we are living longer nowadays.
It took us so much longer to get it, it would be a shame to waste all that information.
Good luck to us all in the later parts of our lives availing ourselves of the new reality we discovered.
And do yourself a favor and turn off those fifties TV shows.
Nostalgia is good, but delusion can take a lifetime to overcome.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

God Help Us All

“Perhaps a lunatic was simply a minority of one.” George Orwell

In his speech today Barack Obama said he wants to return Israel to its pre 1967 borders. He then immediately insisted the United States give the Indians back Manhattan Island in return for the $24.00 worth of crap paid by Peter Minuit.

The Hispanic community has already called to tell Obama they insist on the return of California to pre Spanish-American war borders while a slew of lawsuits were filed against the US by Navaho, Hopi and numerous other Native American tribes.

President Obama said the idea that countries should keep conquered lands is Un-American and against national values.

Despite the fact Israel was attacked by the entire Arab world in 1967, but beat them down with their army until they had to be pulled off, Obama said the poor Arabs are entitled to their land back. He then called Israel an uncooperative and aggressor nation and also noted that many Jews had the audacity to even fight back when led into the camps to be killed during World War II.

He also suggested the US forgive the debts of their Middle Eastern friends, because he bragged, “Americans don’t need the money.”

He said he has also called for a meeting with Donald Trump to discuss donating Trump Towers and Trump Plaza to the Indians for a casino on Fifth Avenue.

Obama said that going to war with other nations and interfering with their inner government workings is wrong and he cannot sanction such behavior.

He was interrupted by a call from Hillary Clinton to secure his permission to increase the use of drones in Afghanistan and send troops into Libya to oust Gaddafi.

He pointed out that his interference in Egypt to overthrow Mubarak and install the Muslim Brotherhood in power had nothing to do with the fact Egypt was Israel’s only friend in the Middle East.

He reiterated how much he loved the Jewish people and would protect Israel, then announced he was appointing Louis Farrakhan under Secretary of State for Middle East affairs.

American Jewish leaders were quick to applaud Obama’s appointment saying, “We love him and we know he is looking out for our best interests.”

The American Nazi Party announced they will hold a celebration in Obama’s honor Tuesday and issued the following statement.

“We are certain the President is in line with our ideals as an organization. His stance on the Middle East has brought happiness and a new sense of hope to our cause. The Fuehrer would be so proud.”

Obama is expected to enter discussions next month with British Prime Minister Cameron about the return of the Thirteen Colonies and war reparations to Britain.

The British government said in the spirit of friendship it is returning its conquered lands including the Falkland Islands to their rightful owners.

Legal experts from Harvard University said these land returns could start a new wave of cooperation throughout the world, and then placed armed guards at Harvard’s entrance to protect students from the rioting British outside.

Queen Elizabeth II has filed suit in the name of King George III, her 3rd great grandfather, in the international court in Switzerland, alleging he was of unsound mind when he allowed the colonists to take British land.

“My ancestor was not of his right mind and thus a terrible mistake occurred during his reign. We intend to actively seek reparations from the United States and are hopeful our case will prevail. I have had my eye on an estate in Kennebunkport, Maine for quite a while, but the Royal Wedding was expensive and once the US is returned I can move right in.”

Upon hearing the Queen’s message Obama quipped. “I will play her three games of one on one for the entire east coast.” Reporters in the room broke into uncontrollable fits of laughter and noted the President’s quick wit and great sense of humor.

French President Sarkozy has planned a trip to New Orleans this summer where he intends to investigate legal records of the Louisiana Purchase to ensure the US, “didn’t pull a fast one there.”

Meanwhile in California, lawmakers are checking out rumors Arnold signed San Diego over to his mistress and baby mama while in office. Gloria Allred, representing the mistress, sobbed openly as she held the baby mama’s hand.

“This poor woman was only making fifty thousand a year and living a secret. One city in her name is the least Arnold can do to make up for the horrible way she was treated.”

Responding to Obama’s newest plan for Israel, Netanyahu told reporters.

“We are looking forward to the next visit by our good friend Barack Obama. We have a special welcome planned for him that is being co-hosted by Mubarak. We can hardly wait until he gets here to show him all the love.”

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Leaving for Las Vegas for book signings dredges up a slew of past memories. The first time I traveled to Las Vegas was with my parents and my brother Jeff. We went for a short trip and I remember walking through the shopping area of the MGM Grand and thinking, "I am going to work at this hotel some day."
Not too many months later I was booked into Catch a Rising Star there for the first time. Thanks to comedian Larry Miller who made a call to his agent and told him flat out, if Norma Zager doesn't belong in Las Vegas, none of us do.
t I arrived at the MGM at night and the next morning I put on my Reeboks and decided to check out the Strip. As I left the hotel, I looked up and saw the Marques I hadn't noticed the night before.
Dean Martin and the Golddiggers was prominently displayed and below that read Great Comedy with my name and the two other comedians I was working with that week.
I was so overcome with shock that my name was right up there on the Las Vegas Strip with Dean Martin, an actual member of the Rat Pack. I stopped in my tracks and began to cry.
It was one of those moments you are certain will pass before your eyes when you die. People who passed and saw me standing on the street weeping must have assumed I lost all my money in the casino. But in truth I had gained a valuable revelation that I still embrace, even when difficult times engulf me: Dreams Really Do Come True.
Have a great day everyone.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

The nicest thing happened the other day at a book signing in Palm Desert. As I sat signing books with my friend Gina keeping me company, a happy surprise breezed in. A young mother and her son asked if I would sign a book for her mother. It seemed her mother, who lives in Arizona has heard about the book and asked her daughter who lives in the Palm Springs area to secure her an autographed copy.
For me, selling books is a minor consideration compared to the ability to reach people. I think this is especially important when your book conveys a message about which you are passionate.
Perhaps at the end of the day, it is still quality that trumps quantity. I do not mean to sound hypocritical of course, book sales are a wonderful thing. The number of books sold is directly related to the messages sent, but every person who reads and absorbs the true meaning of the book is like a speck of gold to an author.
I am so grateful for each reader, each response and embrace each one. I imagine that is what keeps writers writing, that special connection to the reader, for that is truly a connection to the universe.
Have a blessed day.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Palm Springs Signing

Writing a book seems to be the easy part. Marketing is the punishment for the ego most authors possess when filled with the self satisfaction of sending the last line of text to the editor and smiling broadly. After the chest pounding ends, the universe conspires to reset your ego and ensure you deflate from mighty writer to manic muse withdrawal.
Meeting and greeting at signings helps reduce the pain of lower than expected book sales, lack of stories in national media and being ignored by television producers young enough to be your grandchildren. The insanity of the author is such that in the midst of this egregious disappointment they continue to push forward and finish the yet another book.
Could any other species on earth be so insane?
I think not.
And so I pack and go bathed in the fear I shall sit alone in that special place in every bookstore where authors await their public. Terrified no one will come and my humiliation shall be complete.
Promising myself my next book will be a filthy rehash of Tropic of Cancer. A pornographic nod to Holden Caulfield. Alas, a best seller that the public will clammer to read.
Could any other species be so delusional?
I think not.
Now where is that damn purse sized hair spray?